What They Did Not Teach Us

How a boomer’s panic attack awakened her subconscious belief system and brought a realization about the purpose of life.

A few minutes late, I hurried into the Wellness Center at Cleveland Clinic. I registered at the kiosk and sat down, waiting to be called. The waiting room was filled with more than a dozen patients. Some looked sad and lonely. Others were supported by oxygen, wheelchairs, walkers, and companions. There were not many smiles to be seen.

The atmosphere was somber. I felt like an outsider; I did not belong, and I did not want to be here. As I scanned the room, waiting for my turn, I noted that some looked very sick and very old.

“Maybe I am sick too, and old,” I thought to myself. With a sudden realization, I knew that I was in the right place. I was one of them.

Photo by Alberto Sharif Ali Soleiman on Unsplash

Now, I was forced to bring awareness to the flashing memo that has been sitting in my mental inbox for quite some time. Instantaneously, a feeling of doom came over me. An invisible claw grabbed hold of my heart as it started pounding like a jungle drum. Unopened and unread until now, the memo brought breaking news, “Annelie, you are old. Old people get sick and die.”

I was going into a full-blown panic attack.

Image taken by Annelie

This happened three weeks ago. I was scheduled to have an Echocardiogram (ECHO) and an Exercise Stress Test (Stress Test), back to back. These are both common diagnostic tests that evaluate the state and the function of our heart.

The ECHO is a sonogram that uses sound waves to generate moving images of the heart, assessing structure and function. The stress test evaluates the function of the heart while the patient walks or runs on a treadmill. During the test, the nurse monitors the heart-rate, blood pressure, and electrocardiogram (EKG or ECG).

A few weeks prior, on the yearly physical, my cardiologist noted irregular heart beats on the routine EKG. This is common and may not be any cause for alarm. But my EKG showed frequent premature ventricular contractions (PVCs) that were new. I did feel stressed during that exam as well. Stress can cause PVCs.

In addition, my blood pressure (BP) was higher than normal. Our BP measures the pressure, or resistance, in the blood vessels. Consistent high blood pressure causes damage; wear and tear to the lining of the blood vessels and to the heart. This is a risk factor for cardiovascular disease (CVD). Worse, unmanaged high BP can lead to a heart attack or a stroke.

The ideal blood pressure is less than 120mmHg/80mmHg. Often, doctors do not become concerned as long as the pressure does not exceed 140mmHg/90mmHg. The first number is called systolic. This is the blood pressure during contraction of the ventricles, when the heart is working. The second number is named diastolic. It is the blood pressure recorded before the next contraction, when the heart is at rest.

Mine was 159mmHg/96mmHg on the day I visited the cardiologist for my routine annual exam. Based on that and the PVCs, the cardiologist wanted to take a closer look at the state and the function of my heart. She was checking for evidence of CVD, which is the leading cause of death in the world. Hence, the diagnostic testing; ECHO and Stress Test.

As a retired hospital nurse of three decades, you would think that I got a handle on clinical exams and visits. You would think that I was thriving and feeling at home in the medical environment, like a fish in a pond.

It used to be that way, but no more. Something has changed along with aging. At 75, I am afraid I am experiencing more than just a classic white coat syndrome. This is when the blood pressure goes up during a doctor’s exam but settles down to baseline when leaving the office.

Nowadays, unless I walk into a hospital to visit, or accompany a friend or family member, I become uncomfortable in any clinical setting. Somehow, I cannot even talk myself out of it. I won’t listen; I am stuck in my head.

That day in the waiting room, I was freaking out.

Finally, they called my name. I pulled myself together, smiled and made small talk. But inside, I was a total mess; my heart was racing down the cardiac highway.

The ECHO was the first test scheduled. The room was cold, I was uncomfortable, and things did not get any better after the cardiac sonographer measured my blood pressure at 178mmHg/98mmHg. Despite the anxiety, I got through it.

Afterwards, I spent another 15 minutes in an inside waiting room. By the time I went to have the stress test, my throat and jaw were tight. I felt cool shivers going through my tense body. Again, my blood pressure was super high; 178mmHg/100mmHg.

Although a wonderful nurse was managing the testing, the anxiety got worse. During the ordeal on the treadmill, I kept watching the cardiac monitor. All the numbers were moving north, of which downfall I was keenly aware. As the incline and the speed of the treadmill were increased, so was the blood pressure AND the heart rate.

An average normal heart rate (HR) for most adults is between 60–100 beats per minute (bpm). Here is a beautiful chart with age-predicted maximum heart rate, compliments of the American Heart Association (AHA). Find your own age-related target zone. My regular resting heart rate is in the 60s, dipping down to the 50s when I am relaxed.

While becoming increasingly short of breath, and trudging away at the treadmill, I became more concerned about the effect of oxygen supply and oxygen demand on the heart. They must be equal. When my heart rate was in the 130’s I asked the nurse what max heart-rate she was intending for me. This is the gist of what she said.

While struggling, I knew with certainty that if I survived this ordeal, my poor and beloved heart will never again have to endure another treadmill stress test in this lifetime. My max heart rate reached 150 beats per minute, and my max blood pressure was 204mmHg/100mmHg.

I was scared beyond words.

As I kept my eyes on the cardiac monitor, I was sure that my last minute on Earth had arrived. Two genuine questions popped into my head. Am I going out with an acute heart attack, like my father who died at 41, OR am I suffering a full-blown stroke like my mother did at age 65?

Neither happened. I was done. My trembling body was slowly, very, very slowly calming down.

Miraculously I survived. With a newfound truth I went home with good guidance from the nurse. But the homebound afternoon Annelie was a changed version from the morning Annelie who earlier came to Cleveland Clinic for diagnostic testing.

Events and challenges do not automatically turn into wisdom, but lessons that awaken and change our subconscious belief system do.

Besides frequent monitoring of my improving BP and HR, I did something else. Back home, relaxing in my favorite armchair, also nicknamed the thinking chair, I knew that something powerful had taken place in my psyche. That was something I needed to think more about.

It was not certain if I had experienced an anxiety attack or a panic attack, but probably the latter. What I do know for certain is that a sudden thought that I was old broke through and made me realize a few things.

Annelie’s BP and HR scribbles

• No matter how vital I may feel, I do belong to the geriatric population. We are more likely to die than younger adults. Of course, I knew that, but I did not get it until the day in the waiting room.
• Nobody dies a day too early, or a day too late. When St. Peter knocks on the door, we must go; ready or not.
• I am not afraid to die, but I am terrified of dying now, because I am not ready. I am not done. Besides loving life, family, friends, and grandchildren, I am on a mission to share health-related information with my age mates over 65. Less than five percent of adults over age 65 have enough health literacy skills to manage their own health. With more than eight hundred million of us world wide, according to this data, we must learn to celebrate aging and live as best as we can, and for as long as we can.
• It also dawned on me that I am not as stoic and as strong and as untouchable as I thought I was. Road blocks, health scares, and losses are abundant as we grow older. The foundation cracks. I have been blessed with excellent health, so far, but I am as vulnerable as everyone else. Realizing that life can change in a heartbeat, I am humbled to know that I am super lucky to be enjoying life at 75.

Sitting in my thinking chair, asking myself questions, and examining the answers, I have learned a few more truths since my personal episode a few weeks ago.

This nobody teach us and no permission slip is needed.

1. First of all, we are allowed to rest on our laurels. I remember a history lesson in grade school, learning about Greek mythology. A father told his son, who had won the Olympic Marathon, “You can die now my son, because never in life can you achieve a greater honor than winning the Olympic Marathon”. When we have done something great, hallelujah and behold; we should celebrate our own awesomeness. We don’t have to wait for anyone else to celebrate us, because we may wait in vain.
2. The purpose of life is to be happy. That is it. If we love to dance in the rain, and dancing in the rain make our heart sing with joy, we must teach others how to dance in the rain. That will make us happy.
3. We can do everything right. We all know how we are supposed to eat, exercise, sleep, write, how to get one thousand email subscribers, make a million dollars, write the best story, build muscles, and how to enjoy spectacular relationships. We are told how to do this, through Medium stories, with persistence and diligence. Guess what; we can do all that; yet still be sick, still die, still be poor, still be lonely, still be fatigued, and still be miserable. It is not about achieving the promised outcome but about enjoying the process. It is all about the journey, enjoying the station we are at. That is it. It is called practicing gratitude for what is.
4. We are allowed to lie on the sofa, watching a Netflix series and eating popcorn until the cows come home. You can have the cake and eat it too. Why? Why not? Because we can. We have all earned that privilege, without guilt, regardless of age. You don’t need permission for that either.

Here is the thing. Basic human potential is about growth, about growing into the best version of ourselves. We all want to grow. We all want to be healthy. We all want to be happy. This is fine and noble, a goal that is attainable. But our days on Earth are not unlimited. It takes less than a panic attack to know that.

As I rest in my thinking chair, I know now that life and happiness are not a destination, but a journey. Every day, six feet above ground, is a gift worth celebrating because no one knows the day before the sun sets in the west.

Thank you

All The Best,

Annelie

Thank you ♥️

. . .

Annelie Holmene Pelaez believes that everyone has an attribute to share with others. Promoting cardiovascular health and helping adults over age 65 is her contribution. When we don’t let age define us, but rather empower us to grow, we discover health and happiness are byproducts of who we are.

Annelie is the author of the book, Say Yes to A Better Life, available at Amazon.

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🇳🇴Annelie Holmene Pelaez believes that we all have something to teach each other. Her contribution is to help adults over age 65 to gain better health and more happiness in body, mind, and spirit. Her expertise is based on her Norwegian background, experience in critical care nursing, and meditation practice. In her book, Say Yes To a Better Life, she explains that mindfulness nurtured by meditation and health literacy is the key to sustaining a healthy, self-actualized life, as well as inner peace and confidence. For questions , more information, or to purchase her book, reach her at www.northboundspry.com.