Shake Off Your Shackles Boomers

A powerful tool to embrace, celebrate, and empower our best age now

The guests at my 70th birthday party during the COVID pandemic.

You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself in any direction you choose”. — Dr Seuss

When I turned 70, I was still wearing emotional shackles. I had brains in my head, and I had feet in my shoes, but I did not steer myself in the direction of my choice. The shackles holding me back were heavy from shame. Shame from how I viewed myself and shame from fear of what some people might think about me.

Less than a year after the big seven O, I started shaking those shackles. Little by little, using one remarkable tool, I began to free myself. I started moving toward my dreams, choosing inner peace over external judgment.

In 2020, at the height of the Pandemic, I celebrated my 70th birthday. All the guests were cards. Growing older is not a choice. It is reserved for the lucky ones. Yet, on the wings of time, nothing stays the same. Today we are one day older than we were yesterday, but we are one day younger than we will be tomorrow.

If you have something undone, a goal that you've always wanted to do but never did, now is the time to get it done. The time is now, because we will never again be as young as we are today. Being clear about what we want is the first step in moving towards our dream. Aligning authentic values with informed choices is the baseline for living with autonomy. It is the most essential tool in the shed. It can help us combat internalized ageism and self-defeating beliefs and provide us with unbelievable benefits when we know how to use it.

Exercising autonomy can help us dance to the beat of our own drums, without fear of what the critics have to say. That is, if we let go of the shackles that hold us back. Shackles were evident in my middle years, hurting my family. At my son’s prom, we were getting ready to watch him, his date, and his friends posing for pictures and driving in their limousines. My 16-year-old daughter was wearing her favorite shirt. In the rush to get us out the door, I told her to change the shirt because it had a stain. She refused.

I gave her an ultimatum: change the shirt or stay home. She stayed home.

Shackles come in different sizes, shapes, and forms. Dysfunctional childhoods, financial dependency, unhealthy relationships, and mental disorders are some reasons. I robbed my daughter of a once-in-a-lifetime, precious experience, based on my own fear of other people’s judgment about the stained shirt.

My shackle was based on low self-belief and shame. It was a far cry from autonomy. Having Autonomy is the capacity and the freedom to make our own choices and decisions, from a place of authenticity. From the cradle to the grave, we struggle to assert our independence in order to get what we want.

Watching toddlers screaming and throwing tantrums at the supermarket is often a beginning sign of autonomy. Watching an angry old woman fighting with her adult daughter to wear an old, familiar shirt, rather than a new shirt of the daughter’s choice, is often the dwindling end of autonomy.

Most baby boomers, and our older sisters and brothers, value independence and the ability to make our own decisions. This is crucial for maintaining dignity and a sense of control in our lives. But here is the thing: more often than not, our choices are not based on what we truly want. They are often not made with an open, free, and conscious mind. Rather, many choices are based on impressions from deep-seated memories, emotions, habits, and experiences accumulated throughout our lifespans. These experiences have imprinted themselves on our subconscious mind, which operates outside of our conscious awareness.

This puts the brain on autopilot and creates shackles that bind us. That is, until suddenly an impression from that vast, unconscious memory bank floats to the surface of awareness, and we have a breakthrough moment.

My breakthrough moment happened at 4:00 am, while I was sitting on a toilet seat in a hotel in St. Augustine, Florida. With the door closed, not to disturb my sleeping family members, I sat on the cover of a toilet seat, writing index cards. Two years prior, I was admitted into an online Master of Science program at the University of Florida (UF) to study health and human behavior.

Since a young adult, I knew I had a mission to teach health and prevention of cardiovascular disease (CVD), the leading cause of death globally. The studies at UF would further prepare me for that mission. It was a no-brainer. Knowing that my father died from a heart attack at age 41 and my mother later suffered a debilitating stroke, CVD is my thing.

Against the backdrop of a 30-year nursing practice, certifications, nursing excellence awards, and other accolades, I was the poster girl for a lifelong learner. Writing index cards was how I studied for an upcoming exam, preparing myself for the thing in the process.

Suddenly, it dawned on me that I did not have to do this. I was tired. I was tired of studying, tired of living with performance anxiety, and I was tired of spending tons of money on a degree that I might not even live long enough to receive. Mostly, I was tired of feeling like I wasn't enough.

“ Annelie, why are you doing this?” I asked myself. This breakthrough question was followed by another, “At 70 years of age, why are you freakin doing this?”A slight motion in my shackles was initiated. Still, I finished the job. I bundled the index cards with a rubber band and joined my family for breakfast.

Somehow, I have been burdened by shame. Shame is a complex emotion that is evoked when we feel different from others or feel as if we do not measure up to peers and social expectations. For years before 10, my family made room for my imaginary friend at the dinner table and on the bus. My parents congratulated me with smiles and cheers when I sang on the stage in an amusement park. Despite the host telling me “thank you” and “that’s enough”, I refused to get off the stage until I had sung multiple verses of a very long and very sad song about a dying horse.

How did I unconsciously label the memory of roaring laughter in my young mind? The first time I remember feeling shame was in elementary school, growing up in Norway. I must have been around 11. I was laughing so hard that the teacher told me to leave the classroom. She said that my laughter was disturbing. “Go out in the hallway and continue to laugh there”, she said.

I remember standing in that hallway by myself, looking down. I saw my lower legs and the feet in my brown shoes. That morning, I put on my mom’s nylon stockings to be cool. Standing alone in the hallway, looking down at those nylon stockings, a heavy feeling brushed over me. Nothing was funny, and nothing was cool. I felt alienated; I felt shame.

The same teacher often read my essays aloud in class. “So, class, what grade should we give Annelie for this story?” she asked. “Give her an A, the students said. “No, I don’t think so, maybe a B, for her scattered errors”, she said.

Things did not improve after I dropped out of high school at 17; that had a profound impact on me. Now I was separated from my twin sister. She continued to move up, while I moved out. I carried that shame so deep that I did not even share it with the man I later married.

Thank Heaven for adult education and High School Equivalency Diploma (GED). At age 23, living in the US, I passed the GED. My first child was an infant at the time. Pumping breast milk with a small plastic hand pump in the old bathroom at Central Commercial High School in Manhattan, I remember feeling elated. I was feeling elated at the prospect of earning a ticket. The ticket to start an educational journey and fill the self-created void of shame.

Because we, ourselves, attach meaning and labels to events and memories, we can remove them. Having autonomy, we are free to change our thoughts. We can relabel memories and events to serve us better. We don’t have to think the same thoughts as we did yesterday, especially if they don’t work in our favor. This report states that the average person has about 60,000 thoughts per day. 75% of these thoughts are negative, and 95% are repetitive.

Think about that for a moment. Although the number of thoughts going through our heads is difficult to measure correctly, the significance of the numbers is mind-blowing and certain to hold some truth. This story, by Medium writerAndy Murphy, is well-written and worth much more than the four minutes it takes to read. It can transform your entire thinking process if you let it.In his story, Andy writes about how we can maximize the potential of our thoughts to serve us better. Knowing that body and mind are connected by the bridge of our thoughts, here are some of his suggestions.

• Positive affirmationsEating a healthy diet

• Meditation

• Exercise

• Sleeping well

  With autonomy at our disposal, we can choose as we damn well please

  “Watch your thoughts, they become your words; watch your words, they become your actions; watch your actions, they become habits; watch your habits, they become your character; watch your character, it becomes your destiny.”— Lao Tzu

  Make no mistake; as sick as we may be of hearing the word health, physical health is the cornerstone of autonomy. If you have capacity for autonomy, you have the capacity to figure out what needs to be done in order to keep your body moving at an optimal level.

  Because we function at different levels on a continuum, the keyword here is optimal; doing our deeds with awareness and our best effort, despite personal limitations. Autonomy supports our future health. One study answers an interesting question that applies to boomers and our older sisters and brothers alike. “What characteristics of urban, non-institutionalized elders predict which individuals are most likely to remain independent of personal assistance during a two-year observation period?”

  They used a population-based sample of 602 non-institutionalized urban residents age 70 and older, who were followed for 2 years. After two years of observation, the result showed that 98 of the 487 survivors remained independent. Some factors associated with continued independence included younger age (closer to 70), fewer medical conditions, and not smoking. Having a baseline attitude of favoring personal independence also made a positive difference.

  Attitude is the ultimate bonus of autonomy; it forms our thoughts into behavior

  “Everything can be taken from man except the last of the human freedoms, his ability to choose his own attitude in any given set of circumstances-to choose his own way.” — Viktor Frankl

  With a brand-new attitude, I started shaking off my shackles. It so happened that all six of the family members I travelled with to St. Augustine became infected with COVID-19. My three grandchildren experienced mild symptoms, but the three adults were hit hard. They were bedridden for weeks. I did not get sick.

  I knew that the courses I took at UF served my knowledge base, but the degree itself did not. I contacted my professor, put the studies on hold, and became a full-time caregiver. Between making soups and bringing medical supplies, I sent a gratitude note to the Universe for having my back.

  I felt gloriously free. I felt whole; I was enough. Free to function at large without the burden of having to study. I felt free to be me, without attachments. Suddenly, I had more time.

  I discovered Medium. From writers on Medium, coming from all corners of the world, I read powerful, brave, and authentic stories. I learned that we are only as sick as our unresolved secrets. No matter who we are or where we come from, adopting an attitude of embracing and celebrating our stories, as is, is a testament to autonomy.

  I began writing on Medium. Little by little, writing with truth, the shackles came off.

  “The greatest discovery of all time is that a person can change his future by merely changing his attitude.”—

  Oprah Winfrey.

  Based on my Norwegian background, nursing experience, meditation practice, and a relentless desire to help my age-mates, I dove into my dream. I wrote stories about my thing: health literacy, wins and losses, personal growth, and CVD prevention.

  Living with autonomy, choosing growth with free will over fear, and without fear of failure has been my best tool for optimizing the aging process. A few months ago, I celebrated my 75th. birthday. I gave myself a gift that I want to share with my age-mates. I selected 60 of the best stories that I have published on Medium. On Amazon, I created a series of 4 books, each with 15 stories. I honored the mission born in my young self a long time ago.

  With autonomy in our back pocket, we can send shackles to the moon. We can embrace and celebrate our best age today.

  Thank you.❤️

  This story was first published on Medium.